'Unlearning' People-Pleasing

Kate Henderson
Apr 25
4 min read

A backlit sign that states This is Who I Am — Unlearning people-pleasing isn’t about becoming hard or harsh - it's about practicing honesty.

Let me be the first to admit that I have spent a large percentage of my life playing the role of a textbook people pleaser. For a long time, I thought being kind meant keeping the peace - that if I made sure everyone else was comfortable, I’d feel more secure too. I became particularly good at reading the room, anticipating what others needed or wanted and abandoning my own needs in the process.

Being consistently 'nice' and moving to the back of the line, so to speak, has its rewards. From the outside, self-sacrifice can look very much like compassion and kindness. But so often, it comes from a place of fear.

People-pleaser's are used to being showered with praise. "He's such a good person", "She's so easygoing", "They're just SO thoughtful!". But at its root, people-pleasing behaviour comes from a place where we are so fearful of rejection, disapproval, conflict, or not being enough, that we find ourselves in a state of over-compensation. Our nervous system has developed a strategy that keeps us feeling safe.

If, like me, you tend to slip into people-pleasing, you might recognise yourself in some of the following statements:

“I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t upset you.”
“It’s fine, it’s really no big deal.”
"It's totally ok, don't worry about me!"
"I don't mind, whatever you want is good with me"
"Of course I'll help, it's really no trouble"
And internally “If I don’t keep everyone happy, I won’t be okay.”

In the moment, safety can trump authenticity, but there is a very real cost. Taking ourselves out of the equation often results in exhaustion, resentment, disconnection from our own needs and a quiet grief for the parts of ourselves we’ve silenced. Over time, it may even impact our health, creating illness or disease.

Where Did It Start?

No-one was born a people - pleaser. It's not a personality flaw. Think about a newborn baby - they certainly don't hold back tears or upset for the sake of their caregivers. Over time, children learn to adapt to their environment as they become more aware of what is happening within it. We then receive feedback based on this behaviour. Maybe we were praised for being the 'easy child,' or we learned that love was conditional. Maybe we grew up around conflict and became emotional caretakers. Maybe we were taught that our worth came from being useful.

Whatever the origin, we were responding by doing what worked at the time and that deserves our utmost compassion. There is so much bravery in doing what is needed to survive. That said, adaptation isn’t the same as alignment - and eventually, the strategies we have developed can start to feel like they are strangling us.

From People Pleasing to Authenticity

1. Pause

When someone asks for something, and you feel that automatic “yes” rising up - pause. Check in.

Do I actually want to do this?
Am I saying yes to avoid guilt or conflict? There is so much power in taking time to consider our answer. It's absolutely ok to let someone know that you will get back to them later if the circumstances allow.

2. Feel the Discomfort (and Do It Anyway)

Saying no, setting boundaries and expressing needs can feel like we're doing something wrong at first. It's important to expect discomfort and remember that this doesn't equate to danger - it's really just a signal that you've stepped outside of your comfort zone (which is where growth happens!). With practice, expressing what is true for us becomes the new default.

3. Let Go of Being Liked by Everyone (scary I know!)

The reality is that not everyone will love the boundaries we set - this is not our burden to carry. Some people will be so comfortable with our invisibility that boundary setting won't go down well at all. These people are not our supporters or friends! Our job isn’t to be digestible to all - it’s to be true to ourselves.

4. Reconnect with What You Want

One of the most common things people say to me when we're working together is "I have no idea what I want!". This is usually the result of having spent such a long time bending and twisting around the needs of others that our own wants feel impossible to locate. When we don't know the answer to this question, it can help to start small. We might ask:

What feels nourishing or nurturing today?
What boundary would feel like a breath of fresh air?
What am I longing to say, if fear wasn’t driving the bus?

Take time to write down your answers and get clear. See if you can put any of them in to practice. You are allowed to want things!

5. Heal without Hardening

You might be reading this post in horror, fearing that you need to transform into some cold, hard stone-like figure in order to honour yourself. Unlearning people-pleasing isn’t about becoming hard or harsh - it's about practicing honesty. It’s about giving to others without abandoning ourselves in the process. Our kindness doesn't have to cost us our clarity or connection to self.

Untangling old patterns and softening guilt takes time. It's not about flipping a switch, it's a gentle reclamation that happens on our own terms, without judgement or expectation.